Seven pieces of "wisdom" senior women wish they had ignored

Let's call her Dana. She's a composite, not a member or client of ours. She's 46, a senior vice president, and she's having lunch with a 31-year-old manager from her team who has just asked the question Carla was asked at that age: "What's the one piece of advice you'd give me?"

Carla is caught between two hard options in Portland, and she has to pick one. Every piece of counsel she got at 31 came from someone senior, kindly meant and mistaken, and she followed all of it. Now she's working out which one hurt her most, so she can warn the manager off that one first. The roster holds exactly seven entries. Three still make her angry.

Route A. Stay quiet, keep your head down, and trust that your output will do the talking.

What this costs: output does not make the case by itself. Advocacy is what does the speaking, and for Carla the one doing it was her manager, who took credit for her work for four straight years. Over those four years, her only advancement was one promotion. He was promoted twice. According to a 2025 report from McKinsey and LeanIn, 31% of women at the entry level have a sponsor, while the figure for men is 45%. Staying out of sight is the route that lands you among the 69% without one.

Route B. Only apply if you satisfy each and every qualification listed.

What this costs: between the ages of 33 and 40, she passed on six openings she never pursued. In a Harvard Business Review survey conducted by Tara Mohr, women were found to pass up positions they considered beyond their reach mostly because they read the stated requirements as strict limits instead of guidelines, and far less because of any shortage of self-belief. Carla treated them as rules. The men who secured those six roles treated the same postings as a starting point for what they wanted.

Route C. Be grateful for the opportunity

What this costs: every time she was offered a job she felt thankful and so took the first figure put in front of her. Research from Berkeley Haas in 2023 showed that a majority of women, 54%, asked for more on their latest offer, against 44% of men, and yet the women still took home less pay. Thankfulness is an emotion rather than a salary tactic, and the advisors who urged her to lean into it were not the people who signed off on her pay.

Counsel from seasoned leaders

The remaining four surface whenever experienced women in Portland swap stories. "Be patient and wait your turn," a line that presumes a line exists and that someone is keeping track of it. "Watch that you don't come across as overly ambitious," a warning no man past 40 has been handed during a performance review. "Just be yourself," which means little without the rest of the sentence: "and find out what that costs in this building." And the one senior women rank worst most often: "If you're good, they'll notice." They will notice. Those above her may take note of her work without ever moving to act on it, and it is in that gap between recognizing and doing that years quietly slip away.

Seasoned leaders often deliver the same idea in a gentler tone. None of this counsel was ever aimed at causing her pain. Those who handed it down reached their positions by another road and presumed that road was still there to be taken. The advice isn't a lie. The map they are reading has simply fallen behind the terrain.

The verdict

Whether it applies depends on the person you were at 31. Someone who already spoke up readily will find that "keep your head down" doesn't fit them at all. Someone who was already careful will pay the steepest price for "match every requirement," since they will adhere to it to the letter. Carla now offers the guidance she wished she had heard early on: "Don't count on anyone else to track your record, and keep that tally yourself."

Vote

Which of the three options (A, B, or C) has cost you the most? Send your letter to your chapter, and we'll publish the findings in next month's issue. If the worst advice you received isn't among these, include it in your submission as well. We capped the list at seven simply because that is the number that fits the space available.