A 9-question test, and why the answer changes everything you do next

Your manager claimed your report in front of the CEO on Monday and blanked on your name in front of a client on Wednesday. Somewhere around Friday, after you've read four pieces on narcissism in your Portland apartment, it starts to feel like each one is describing your manager. Those same pieces also describe a tired, overpromoted manager whom nobody ever trained to lead a team. The distinction is worth making, because one of these bosses can be managed while the other mostly has to be endured.

The usual reaction is to diagnose him and then act according to the diagnosis. Relying on that approach usually goes poorly, because a label does not amount to a plan. If he is simply bad at the job, handling him as a narcissist makes you wary of someone who would have agreed to a fair request. If he truly does fit that pattern, waiting for him to simply grow out of it could eat up a year of your working life, even if he's only a difficult boss in Hillsboro.

So try this test: nine questions, posed through five ordinary situations. A boss who is weak at the job will stumble, improve somewhat, and then forget. A narcissist tends to retaliate whenever you voice an opinion.

1. The credit goes missing

The natural impulse is to say, "You know I did that work."

Preferable: "Happy to hear the CEO was pleased." Next time we present the following phase, could I take her through my part?

Ask yourself three things. Does he agree? Will his agreement still stand once the meeting actually arrives? Does he credit you by name when no one prompts him to? A weak manager says yes and then drops it, and a gentle reminder usually fixes that. A narcissist will agree to your attendance and then come up with a reason you can't go.

2. You bring him a problem he caused

The instinctive reply is, "This happened because you moved the deadline."

A better version is, "Since the deadline shifted, we lost a week. Here's what I need from you to make it up."

Run two verifications. Is he concentrating on the fix or the blame? Does the talk stay anchored to the real work? Incompetence turns flustered, then grateful. A narcissistic one turns cold, and the lost week becomes a week you were said to have wasted.

3. You ask for something small

The tempting move is to say nothing at all, since asking feels too risky.

A better move is to say, "I'd like Friday afternoon for the leadership workshop in Beaverton." The deliverables are covered."

Purpose: two inquiries. Does he treat your ask as useful information or as betrayal? Is there a cost later that no one names aloud? A weak manager simply forgets that he agreed to something. Narcissists tally every favor and regard it as something you owe them.

4. You disagree in a meeting, respectfully

Many people wait silently for a comfortable moment to speak.

Preferable: "My view is a bit different." Would you mind if I laid out the counter-case in two minutes?"

Basis: one verification. What happens to you after the meeting ends? A poor manager might be visibly annoyed for an hour or so. A narcissist runs a quiet campaign against you, and by your next review the phrase "not a team player" has appeared.

5. Something goes well without him

Hopeful: "The client meeting went well." You didn't miss anything."

Preferable: "The client gave their approval." I'd love your read on what comes next."

The reason this works is that one question reveals the most. Can he be glad about your achievement though he wasn't there to see it? A weak manager can. A narcissist can't do that, and you'll carry the sting of it for a week.

The reasoning behind all five

Count the agreements. If he's mostly clumsy and forgetful, he's simply weak at the job, and you can handle him with written follow-ups and patience. If he mostly punishes, stop hoping for change, document everything, and start working through your exit options. In HBR, Tulshyan and Burey made the case that calling it imposter syndrome shifts a structural problem onto the individual. A bad boss does much the same thing. Here, the shortcoming is not your character, Lake Oswego.

Pass this along to the colleague in Gresham who keeps wondering whether the fault is hers. It isn't.